Dealing with Demons

I mentioned on Monday how I haven’t been feeling good lately, but I didn’t go in details. So here’s the deal guys, I’m depressed.

I’ve known for about a month now and I haven’t yet dealt with that knowledge. I mean, I know I am, I have so many signs, but my life has been such a whirlwind that I haven’t had the time to just sit down and digest the news properly. Well, that’s what I’ve decided to do today because…damn.. I’ve been having a hard time. Don’t worry, though, I’m going to tell you right now, I’m not suicidal. I have pretty much all of the other symptoms though. Since I don’t talk about this much with anyone because I feel like a burden when I talk about this to them, I’ve been keeping everything inside and I can’t to that anymore, so here I am.

Let’s go through the symptoms shall we?
– Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions. I definitely have a hard time concentrating, which really doesn’t help in doing my work. I forget every single detail I don’t write down, which can be such a pain. Making decisions? What’s that? I always ask my SO what I should do.
– Fatigue and decreased energy. That’s a huge yes. I’ve always been the kind of person that no matter how much I sleep or how little I sleep I’m always tired during the day. But lately, the more I sink into this state, I’ve been so exhausted. I’ve fallen asleep many times in my chair while doing homework in the afternoon. I’m in a constant state of “I’m-about-to-fall-asleep”.
– Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness. Yes, yes and yes. I feel guilty that I feel that way because it’s keeping me from being a normal human being and I feel like it’s taking its toll on my SO. Whenever I don’t work and try to take some time for myself, I feel guilty because I feel like I should’ve done something more productive during that time. I feel extremely worthless and helpless because I’m currently in school and can’t properly contribute financially. Oh and that adds to my feeling of guilt on so many levels. I feel guilty that my SO had to pay so much of the bills and I feel guilty because I’m the reason we’re not currently in a house with a second child like we had planned (because I decided to go back to school).
– Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping. Most nights I don’t sleep well, I keep waking up and having a hard time falling asleep. And if I’d let myself sleep, I’d probably spend the whole day sleeping.
– Irritability, restlessness. I’m very irritable. I get mad at my son for the smallest of things, which by the way makes me feel guilty. My mind is never at rest. No matter what I’m doing, I’m always thinking of things, planning things, trying to make sure I don’t forget anything. Which also doesn’t help me fall asleep at a reasonable time.
– Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex. I have to force myself to read everyday because I know it’s good for me and it’s something I used to enjoy so much. I can spend so much time just staring into space not knowing what to do other than work because I don’t feel like doing anything, not even play video games. It’s such a strange feeling. As for the sex part, I’m not going to go in details, but let’s just say it’s like the other activities I used to enjoy.
– Overeating or appetite loss. It depends on the days. Some days I just can’t stop eating. I’m either always hungry or I just can’t stop snacking because I’m bored. Other days, I have to remind myself to eat because if I don’t I forget and skip meels.
– Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment. My back is always hurting, but that may be because of my posture at the computer. I spend most days with a headache that atasol can’t cure and I sometimes have cramps that feel like pms cramps, but aren’t.
– Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings. Remember when I said I could spend time staring into space? Well, that’s me feeling empty. Also, I can suddenly feel sad for no apparent reason and I just can’t shake it off. That was me this week. Every single day I would wake up extremely tired, feel super sad all day for no reason and I just couldn’t shake it off, no matter what I did. Sometimes, if I feel sad for too long, I start feeling empty.

That’s it! You now know more about what’s going on in my head than my family and friends. Like I said, don’t worry about suicide thoughts, I have none. Just thinking about leaving my son to go to the mall by myself makes me cry. I would never ever take my own life and leave my son like that. Just thinking about it makes me cry. Yes, I’m crying right now as I’m writing this.

I’ve seen a psychiatrist, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it much. I didn’t even know what to talk about. Whenever I would say how I felt he would ask me why I felt that way and I never knew what to answer. I’m not the kind of person that goes and tries to understand why things are the way they are. I just know that’s how I feel and I never asked myself why I felt that way. I just don’t know. And I need to figure it out if I want to be able to cope with this for the rest of my life.

Okay! That’s enough self pity for one post!

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